Conscious Communication

Mascari, Brooke. May 8th, 2024

A great deal of the emotional pain we experience comes from the way we communicate, both to others and to ourselves. 

For example, if we tend to dislike conflict, we may not say anything when someone does something that bothers us. As we push down our true feelings and needs, our resentment grows. 

On the other hand, we may be comfortable with conflict and easily express how we feel—yet we let our anger and sarcasm flow so freely that we end up hurting or even destroying our relationships.

The ability to communicate consciously can create more harmonious relationships with others and ourselves!

This is more easily accomplished when we are not stuck in the stress (fight-flight-freeze) responses.

Side note! The best way to come out of a stress response; fight-flight-freeze, is to take a few minutes to meditate and allow the nervous system to regulate, relax, and go into homeostasis. Many people live constantly in a stress response and do not know it. Traffic, a busy schedule, relational issues, or many of the challenges we encounter daily in this modern lifestyle, can cause us to be in a daily fight-flight-freeze response which is detrimental to our physical and emotional health and balance.

Suppressed feelings become emotional ama (Sanskrit for toxic buildup in the body), and over time, can lead to depression, insomnia, and many other physical and mental disorders.

The more directly and consciously we can communicate, the greater the likelihood that we will get our needs met and enjoy healthy, fulfilling relationships with other people!

Learning to communicate consciously and compassionately also reduces stress and increases our emotional well-being.

Today we are going to learn a powerful practice of conscious communication based on the work of psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, the author of Nonviolent Communication. 

When you’ve experienced an emotional upset, you can use this process to gain clarity about how you feel, identify what you need, and take responsibility to consciously communicate your needs to another person. It also helps you understand other people's needs. Here’s a summary of the 5-step process.

Step 1:

What happened? Coming into present-moment awareness, describe the situation that has triggered your emotional upset. Avoid evaluating and judging. Simply state the facts of what happened, as though you were an objective reporter. When you regularly meditate and practice mindful awareness, you are cultivating the ability to be an objective witness to your experiences. 

Step 2:

What am I feeling? Describe how you feel, choosing words that describe core emotions such as sad, angry, or lonely rather than words that reinforce a sense of victimization, such as rejected, betrayed, or belittled.  This “victimizing” language is how the ego mind (the primitive mental functions of our mind) would describe how you feel. Non-victimizing language is more empowering as you take responsibility for your own emotions.

This method applies to most of our typical relationships and experiences, however, there are often times when our personal safety and security boundaries have actually been crossed in a traumatic experience, and in these situations, it may feel most appropriate to use these terms. Just try to find the words that truly describe your feelings about an experience.

Step 3:

What do I need that I’m not receiving? Identify what you need in this situation with as much clarity as you can. Consider the four fundamental human needs attention, affection, acceptance, and appreciation.

Also, if you have experienced significant trauma, you may need more in-depth support and tools. These tools mentioned can be incredibly healing and life-changing. Many people have benefited from these tools and practices. But sometimes people who have endured substantial trauma can benefit from a personal counselor or therapist if these practices become too painful and bring up emotions you feel you cannot navigate alone. A therapist, for example, can lead you through a healing journey and be there to support you if you feel that is what you need rather than doing the work alone.

Step 4:

What am I asking for? Identify the specific behaviors or actions that would fulfill your needs. Then surrender to the wisdom of uncertainty, allow yourself to be vulnerable, and ask for what you need. 

Observe the response of the other person from a state of calm witnessing awareness. Remember that a request is not a demand, and you may not receive what you’re asking for. However, using this process greatly increases the likelihood that you, and the person you are communicating with, will feel more comfort and less emotional distress.

Step 5:

What is the gift or opportunity in this situation? Regardless of the outcome of the situation, it’s important to look deeply at the experience and consider what you’ve learned and gained from engaging in the conscious communication process. This does not mean that all of our requests will be fulfilled, however, we have the best chance to have our needs met without creating more turmoil in the relationship.

Sometimes we do not want to think about the potential good in a challenging situation especially when we are right in the middle of it! But the truth is, in nearly every challenging situation in our lives, there is a gift to be found; even if it is something simple, like learning to be more aware of what you're saying or feeling in an argument. Which can then allow you to have a tad more self-control! Or perhaps learning to lovingly communicate the challenge can lead to a wonderful solution! We can learn so many lessons when we are in difficult, dark, or challenging seasons of life. Don’t let your trials be wasted, because it is in trials that we get the most opportunity to be stretched, grown, and refined.

"Our language doesn't just describe our reality, it creates our reality."

David Simon

Let's walk through an example together so we can see the practicality of these practices:

Bring to mind a time you wanted more attention from a friend, partner, or family member.  

Describe what happened, being as objective as possible. Just outline the facts as if you were an outside observer. 

For example, “My partner and I never spend time together,” is less useful than saying “My partner agreed to come home for dinner at 7 p.m. and didn’t come home from work until 8:30.” 

When describing your feelings, choose words that express the emotions you are experiencing, such as "I feel sad, lonely, or frustrated." Avoid words that reinforce a sense of victimization: “I feel neglected, betrayed, or rejected.” 

Allow yourself to be honest and even vulnerable. The courage to be vulnerable can make a wonderful difference in most circumstances.

When you take responsibility for your emotions, you are informing rather than blaming the people in your life. Remember, it is not necessarily “wrong” to use victimizing language, however, it is describing your experience from an ego perspective and requires the other person to change something in order for you to not feel that way (object-referral). When you take responsibility for your internal emotional state, you have the power to change that yourself (self-referral).  

As infants, we had caregivers trying to figure out what we needed because we could not identify our needs and communicate them ourselves. As adults, we subconsciously expect our loved ones to know what we need and spontaneously provide it. This very rarely happens! You are much more likely to prevent the scenario from happening again and to have your needs met when you identify them yourself.

In this scenario, recall the specific need. Then, summarize it into a short sentence, such as, "When you come home at 8:30 instead of 7:00, I feel lonely and sad (or frustrated ) because I would like to spend more time with you."

What specific behaviors or actions would fulfill your needs? 

For example, if you want more attention from your partner, do not ask him or her to just spend more time with you; ask to take a walk after dinner, or to go to a movie on Saturday night. 

Express your need in the form of a request rather than a demand! We all have an inherent impulse to resist demands, whereas our self-esteem is raised when we are able to fulfill requests. 

"When you come home late, I feel lonely and sad because I would like to spend more time with you. Can we find time to walk in the evenings or go to a movie on Saturday night?"

No matter how the situation unfolds, it's important to look at the experience and reflect on what you’ve gained from engaging in the conscious communication process. This does not mean that all of our requests will be fulfilled, however, we have the best chance to have our needs met without creating more turmoil in the relationship.

What was the gift in this scenario? Ex: The gift was empowering yourself to take responsibility for your emotions and identify that you need attention.  In addition, regardless of whether the request is met, you can now meet your need in other ways, such as giving yourself more attention through self-care, spending time with people who lift you up, or doing something special for yourself!

Although using this process doesn’t guarantee that you always get your needs met, it will substantially increase the likelihood that you will spend more time feeling comfortable, at peace, and at ease and less time in emotional distress.

Here is a list of words that clearly describe what you will feel when your needs are being met:

Bright

Carefree

Delightful

Enthusiastic

Glowing

Hopeful

Invigorated

Joyful

Loving

Optimistic

Peaceful

And what you may feel if your needs are not being met:

Afraid

Anxious

Bitter

Confused

Embarrassed

Frightened

Frustrated

Guilty

Helpless

Irritable

We are grateful for everyone who uses us as a source of information, insight, growth, and guidance. May this article introduce a new practice for your life that helps you reach new levels of hope, love, joy, happiness, peace, and abundance in your life and relationships!

Love and blessings to all on your journey!

Sources:

Rosenberg, Marshall B. “Nonviolent communication: A language of life”

Chopra: https://chopra.com/blogs/personal-growth/what-is-conscious-communication?_pos=1&_sid=f6c5199dc&_ss=r